I would make a terrible single mother

Husband is out of town for a few days for work. And I am doing the same stupid things I do every time I have a stretch of two or three or four days with just me and the kids.

Mealtime? Is when someone starts complaining they're hungry and I realize that it's two hours past a reasonable time for that meal.

Actual meals? Not nearly as balanced as when Husband's around. Tonight? They asked for "breakfast dinner" and got it: scrambled eggs and cold cereal.

Dishes? Don't get done on a regular basis.

Bedtime? Slides around for the kids. The routine (dinner, cleanup, bath, brush teeth, story, tuck in) goes completely out the window.

Bedtime? I stay up way too late watching dumb movies or reading fluffy books or playing addictive computer games.

Errands? Mostly don't get done, unless they are urgent, like we-are-out-of-dog-food-and-must-buy-some-or-the-dog-will-starve.

Disciple? Spotty, at best.

And then when he gets back I complain about HOW HARD it is to be ALONE WITH ALL the KIDS, ALL the TIME.

Apparently, when I don't have another adult around to see it, I'm a pretty bad parent.

Rhyme Time

Youngest: "Penis is a pmphumn."

Me: "What was that?"

Youngest: "I said, Penis is a planet."

Pause while I control the urge to laugh hysterically and compose myself.

Me: "Well, actually, VENUS is a planet. Venus and penis do sound a lot alike though, don't they?"

Daughter: "What's a penis?"

Heavenly Being OR Cause of Infections Diseases?

Daughter:

"I have an Invisible Friend. His name is God. He lives here, in my heart. He's invisible because you can't see Him."

Thoughtful Pause.

"Kind of like Germs."

Decisive Nod.

How?

I dread returning to the workforce. Really. Dread it more and more with each passing month that brings me closer to the fearsome day when Youngest enters kindergarten and my SAHM-time becomes no longer a zero-sum cost effective decision.

It's not that I'm all warm and fuzzy about spending my days with cuddly little people or that I feel that I'll "miss" all that much. When I do go back to work I will almost certainly work part-time.

But I honestly don't know how working moms do it. Not in any self-congratulatory, smug way. It's not "how do they leave their precious ones with a stranger!" It's more "how the heck would I fit a job into this day?"

Take the morning, for instance. Husband and I and the two older children all get up at 6am. Youngest is usually up between 6 and 6:30am, but that's up to him. Husband immediately gets in the shower and generally is only concerned with getting himself off to work. I make sure Oldest and Daughter get out of bed and get them breakfast. While they eat, I assemble three or four lunches: leftovers for Husband, and 2-3 lunchboxes for the kids (depending on the day of the week as Youngest only has lunch at school on Thursdays). I also make sure that backpacks have everything an adult is responsible for: Did the daily calendar get initialed? Is the field trip form signed and in the folder? Any notes I need to send in to the teacher? Snack? and Lunch? On a good day, I empty the dishwasher or start a load of laundry. (On a really on top of things day, I might do both!) I chivvy Daughter through getting dressed in the clothes chosen the night before. Daughter's Asperger's means that it is really hard to "hurry her up," especially in the mornings. (Trust me, I've tried "just backing off." But I'm not willing to drive her to school if she misses the bus and even less willing to have her miss school for missing the bus. I can't let her go without breakfast because she needs the calories (underweight, remember?). She doesn't care what she wears to school and is not deterred by someone having to dress her for her.) I verify that Oldest's clothes don't actually clash and are weather appropriate. If Youngest is done with breakfast in time, I make sure he gets dressed too. Husband leaves for work. I throw on some clothes and walk up to the bus-stop with all three kids. I bring back one of them. If Youngest isn't dressed yet, I make sure that gets rectified. Then I might take a quick shower before taking Youngest to school or out to run errands. (If the plan for the day includes something that's likely to make me all sweaty and nasty anyway, like exercise while Youngest is a school, I'll skip the shower til after.)

And that's just the first hour of every day. So, if I had to be at work somewhere by, say 8am? How the heck does this get done?

OK, so maybe Husband has to step up and take charge of being responsible for more than just himself in the morning. Maybe we make lunches and pack backpacks the night before. Maybe Oldest is capable of getting his own breakfast. Oldest is already responsible for making sure his homework and school books are in his backpack.

How does all this laundry get washed if no one is here all day? I honestly do, on average, one or two loads of laundry every day. EVERY DAY. Does this all have to happen in the evenings?

Husband already does half or more of the housecleaning, so I expect that would simply continue as is.

I cook dinner pretty much every night. Lazy dinner night means a pizza from the freezer or spaghetti. I foresee a portion of my new salary being dedicated to quick "pick-up" meals on a regular basis.

I struggle constantly with keeping up the juggle of this doctor's appointment and that school play and the other church choir performance. How does a job fit into that?

Really. I want to know. How does anyone do all this?

"Sign" of the Times?

It was a moment that made me wish I carried a camera in the car.

On the way home from preschool with Youngest, I always pass a large open space that has been for sale for some time. By the roadside is a huge white sign with red lettering; "FOR SALE 4.5 Acres"

Yesterday, perched on top of the sign?

Two vultures.